How hard is it to ask someone about his/her day? And really want to know!
I have begun a habit of doing this sort of thing. I actually did it today. Was picking up some groceries and asked the guy helping me, “So, how’s your day been?” I think I caught him a bit off guard. He looked at me as though he had been asked a question on Jeopardy of which he wasn’t sure if he should buzz in or not. Made me think that perhaps no one had taken interest in him today. I don’t know that for certain. Maybe he was just the quiet type who doesn’t like to talk.
Now this habit of asking about another’s day I’m trying to walk in is much more involved than just spouting out some southern hospitality. I’m trying not to ask how someone’s doing as a form of greeting. You know what I mean? “Hey, how are you?” “Fine! And you?” “Fine” Why is everyone always fine? Truth is, things are not always “fine!” It’s just our customary exchange.
No, what I’m trying to do, or rather what I’m trying to be, is wholly present with someone. And this is the hard part, is it not? To notice someone. To present oneself as being available. To stop. To look another in the eye. To listen.
Here’s what’s I’ve discovered about developing a heart that listens to the heart of another—even a stranger— by throwing out the simple question: “How are you today?” People will talk! Yes, there are exceptions, but if you reveal you really are all there, that is, you pause and put your phone up and don’t look away and smile, you might be amazed at what you discover.
Could it be true that people are dying to be heard? Could it be that to offer our ear to another is one of the greatest acts of service we can perform? But it’s so hard to do. Why? It could be because we are a distracted people. “We are forever elsewhere,” writes Sherry Turkle. “At class or at church or business meetings, we pay attention to what interests us and then when it doesn’t, we look to our devices to find something that does.”
Listening is also difficult because we “can’t just drive 55.” We walk faster, talk faster and eat faster than in any other time in history. For some of us, to slow down feels like hitting a brick wall and causing the airbags to deploy. But to really listen means we have to put on the brakes. And for many, me included, this feels impossible. After all, we are trying to save the world, who has time to listen?
Or perhaps listening seems so beyond us because we just don’t know how. With the speed of our lives coupled with smart phones and social media—which all result in social isolation—listening has never really been modeled for us. It’s hard to imagine that many may have never seen listening fleshed out. Or even been listened to themselves.
Again, listening is hard work. Perhaps that’s why those of us who are involved in church and ministry leadership should advocate for conferences and training on how to do it. We have conferences on everything else—evangelism, apologetics, teaching, discipleship, coaching, etc…—so why not develop a seminar on how to “be quick to listen” (see James 1:19). Maybe if we did so, our ability to talk about Jesus and teach and lead would improve. I talk to so many who worry about how to bring Jesus up in a conversation when they should first be worrying about seeking to understand. And to understand another means you have to listen.
Not too long ago I was listening to one of The Englewood Review of Books podcast (which I recommend you check out the podcast along with their review of books) and the idea came up about what if churches stopped trying to be impressive and instead, became a place that listens. I know of churches that are known for having great preachers, youth programs, music, small groups, etc…, but not sure I’ve heard of one that is known for how well they listen. Reminds me of a quote by Joseph Epstein: “Great talkers there have always been, but how many great listeners can you name?”
I’m on a journey to learn to listen. My habit of asking “How’s your day?” to those I encounter during my day is a roller coster ride. But again, I’m learning. And praying that I do more than just listen to the random person I encounter. I hope I listen well to those closest to me as well. As Mother Teressa has said, “It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home.”
May we embrace the pilgrimage of learning to stop, look, and listen. I understand the busyness most of us are trapped in. That’s why I use the word pilgrimage. We can’t just shout “abra cadabra” and poof, we have arrived. Nope! It’s a journey. Small steps. Mundane. Ordinary. Slow. But in embracing a listening life, perhaps we help others realize that it’s not only we who desire to listen, but God as well. This is my prayer. I hope it is yours as well.
What a great reminder to listen to others in today's busy-ness of life. Stopping to take time to listen to someone is exactly what Jesus did and as Christians, we are called to emulate Him. It is such an unusual act in our current times and when we do that, others notice. They see Christ in us and in that moment, they know they matter.